May 14, 1999 — GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 17

bigtips

He wants to live together, but I need some private space

By M.T. Martone

Dear Tip,

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for ten years, the last five of which have been "on." We love each other and generally enjoy keeping weekend company. Through the years, each has occasionally expressed a desire to share a single residence.

A year ago I asked that

we set aside some time

to talk about it. We did.

He told me that it would have to be in a couple of

years, as he'd like to be in better financial shape.

Recently, he has talked non-stop about us living together, literally every tenth or twelfth sentence. Last week

we talked again. I told him

that I would require some private space, i.e. a closet, and as I

be able to get it back later. Where's the failure to negotiate? It's not like you're saying he has to sleep on the porch so you can have an office. Be calm, and reassure him that you love him, and you want to live with him so much that you want to make sure you start out in a way that ensures success.

If he balks, then it's not time to live together. Your private closet may continue to be the one in your current apartment, for now. Good luck.

Dear Tipper,

Last night I was fortunate enough to have a brilliant date with a brilliant woman. We've been flirting for weeks, and finally got it together to go have dinner together, and one

Othing led to another, and

BIG TIPS

am self-employed, my desk, files and answering machine. Hell—I only wanted a closet because where else does one hide gifts? He then told me it was obvious I didn't want to negotiate this, and that he was going to get on with his life, and was outta here.

M.T., I wouldn't have required this had he previously not opened my calendar, and questioned me about appointments and erased some of my telephone messages. I'm not doing other men or running drugs or the like. I feel he has been grossly unfair, and sometimes I think he "sets fires" for excitement, and to reassure himself that he can put them out. What's your take on this? I love him, and I'm afraid these situations (this was not the first) will increase if we're in the same space. A Room of One's Own

Dear Spaced Out,

Hmmm. So basically, your boyfriend seems jealous and nervous about your need for privacy. You say you've been together off and on. Why did you break up before? Has there been some history of cheating, by either one of you? If so, maybe he's afraid that you'll do it again (or you'll do what he did).

Here's what I'm thinking. You've been together a long time. You've probably had fights and gotten over them, so it's worth risking some conflict over something so important to both of you. Meet him head on. Tell him you want to live with him, and you know he wants to live with you, and having your own personal space is normal and healthy, and you need it, and he should have his own space too.

Be firm: If you give in on this, you'll never

the next thing you know, we're back at my place, having crazy sex.

Well, needless to say, this is a very good thing, and I'm looking forward to another date with her this weekend. Here's the weird part. Today I have a terrible sore throat. This has happened before, too. I've noticed that frequently when I go down on someone for the first few times, the next day, or even sometimes that evening, my throat starts to hurt, and sometimes my lips (on my face) puff up a little, and feel like they're burning.

This always goes away in a day or so, so unlike Pavlov's dogs, the negative stimuli has never resulted in me feeling any need to stop doing what (or whom) I'm doing. Do you have any idea what this might be attributable to? Not that I'll stop eating the ladies, but I'd like to know if there's something wrong with me.

Dear Bushed,

Bush Fire

All I can say is, thank goodness one thing leads to another. Otherwise, we'd have no use for the concept of time. That aside, it sounds like there could be a few different causes for your blazin' blow hole. First of all, and least dramatically, it could be a result of stress. You're anxious about the date. Does she want me? She wants me. Maybe she doesn't want me.

Are we going to do it? Is my underwear still fresh? We're not going to do it, are we. She didn't order garlic bread. We're going to do it. Maybe we won't. Maybe we will. Augh! That's enough to give people all sorts of physical symptoms, like cold sores, stiff necks, headaches, and perhaps, as in your case, a sore throat. And it eventually subsides after the stress has been alleviated (at least for the time being).

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Another possibility is that you're having a mild allergic reaction to something. You said you were at your house. Do you use lube? If you use lube with nonoxynol-9 in it (a spermicide that folks sometimes favor because it purports to be anti-bacterial), you very likely having a reaction to that ingredient.

Nonoxynol-9 is a detergent, and many people are sensitive to it, not to mention the fact that it tastes like a monkey's butt. Switch to a lube without N-9, or if it doesn't have N-9 in the first place, just switch to another brand with a different ingredient list. In ei-

ther case, it doesn't sound like this is slowing you down, so I wouldn't be too concerned.

Of course if any sore throat continues for a week or more, you should go get it checked by some health care character. Ignoring strep can damage you down the road, and you wouldn't want that now, would you? Take care, smoochie.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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